Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke2/db1991/dbyear

Text File | 1992-01-03 | 40KB | 677 lines

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>From: [e-mail] (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry
Message-id: <[e-mail]>
Subject: THE YEAR IN REVIEW (full version)
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 91 0:00:34 PST
ACategory: lifestyle
Slugword: barry
Priority: regular
ANPA: Wc: 721; Id: z1270; Sel: sb--l; Adate: 12/29-1aed
Approved: [e-mail]

    JANUARY
    1 -- The new year dawns with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein arrogantly
thumbing his nose at international law. Little does this homicidal bully
realize that, although he is riding high now, before the year is over,
he will be, um, almost a year older. In college football, the University
of Colorado Buffaloes become national champions by employing what will
later become known as the ``Clarence Thomas strategy,'' in which they
throw their opponents off-stride by refusing to take a position on the
coin toss.
    8 -- Pan Am files for bankruptcy, but promises that all of its flights
``will continue to take off right on schedule.'' This turns out to be
true, although on many flights, the pilot refuses to LAND until the
passengers cash his paycheck.
    9 -- Elvis, surrounded by a few close friends, turns 56.
    10 -- Hopes fade for a peaceful settlement to the Persian Gulf crisis
when a grim-faced U.S. Secretary of State James Baker informs Iraqi
Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz that his name ``sounds like an armpit
fungus.'' With war now apparently inevitable, the nation is swept by a
patriotic fervor as grim-faced yellow-ribbon manufacturers prepare to
make huge profits and somber advertising executives labor far into the
night producing emergency combat-related Miller Lite commercials.
    12 -- Haiti goes 36 straight hours without having a coup. The United
Nations sends an inspection team to find out what's wrong.
    13 -- Bo Jackson is injured in a football game and returns home to
Krypton for medical treatment.
    16 -- War erupts in the Middle East as massive allied air forces
attack Iraq with extremely sophisticated computerized weapons capable of
hitting, with pinpoint accuracy, any target except Saddam Hussein.
Broadcasting live from a Baghdad hotel, three courageous CNN reporters
hold the nation spellbound with electrifying coverage of their desperate
efforts to reach Room Service.
    17 -- The Iraqi air force, rising to the challenge, flies to Iran.
    18 -- Eastern Airlines is finally forced to shut down and liquidate
its assets, which at this point consist of a 55-gallon drum containing a
greenish-orange substance believed to be in-flight lasagna.
    19 -- The air war over Iraq heats up as the U.S. Air Force introduces
a Frequent Combat Flier Program, under which after a certain number of
sorties, pilots may bomb the target of their choice. Many choose Sam
Donaldson. Responding boldly, the Iraqi air force (proud motto: ``We're
Out Of Here'') flies to Greece.
    22 -- The U.S. Commission On Making It Even Less Convenient To Mail A
Letter Than It Already Is announces that the new first-class stamp will
cost 29 cents. Other ideas under consideration include a requirement
that all mail must have rhyming addresses, and stamps made of live
stinging insects.
    25 -- A huge oil slick begins spreading outward from Kuwait,
threatening vast ecological damage to the Gulf region. Aerial
reconnaissance reveals the shocking cause: The Iraqis, in flagrant
disregard of international law and environmental standards, have
chartered the Exxon Valdez.
    27 -- In Super Bowl XVCVILXVII, the New York Giants and the Buffalo
Bills display their support for the Persian Gulf troops by playing the
entire game wearing full Army combat uniforms, including backpacks. The
game ends on a thrilling note when, with eight seconds to go and the
Giants ahead 20-19, Bills placekicker Scott Norwood, attempting a 47-
yard field goal, is felled by a grenade heaved by MVP Lawrence Taylor.
Reacting quickly, the Iraqi air force flies to Wales.
    28 -- President Bush's economic advisers predict that the recession
will ``definitely'' end by March. ``Also,'' they note, ``we like the
Bills in the Super Bowl.''
    FEBRUARY
    1 -- The civilized world reacts with horror as Iraq, continuing to
show a total disregard for standards of decency, attacks Israel with the
French-built ``Loogie'' missile, which, upon reaching the target area,
hawks up a gigantic gob.
    2 -- Reacting to the new Iraqi threat, the United States pledges to
defend Israel with the Sanitationman Missile, which is essentially a
large, 6,000-mile-per-hour laser-guided sneeze shield.
    4 -- In Groundhog Day observances, President Bush's economic advisers
emerge from their offices, see their shadows, and predict that winter
has already ended.
    6 -- Danny Thomas goes to the Big Situation Comedy in the Sky.
    7 -- True Item: In Keithville, La., as many as 50 people, including
sheriff's deputies, game wardens and wildlife officials, spend most of
the night trying to rescue what appears to be a black bear caught high
in a pine tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours, during which a
veterinarian fired a number of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers chop the
tree down and discover that they have saved a heavily sedated black
garbage bag.
    8 -- Tensions mount in the Persian Gulf as a grim-faced Gen. Norman
Schwarzkopf orders his troops to shoot the next member of the press
corps who asks him when the ground war is going to start.
    10 -- Domestic air travel is snarled by a freak combination of bad
weather, computer breakdowns, and the fact that the Iraqi air force has
requested permission to land in Chicago.
    14 -- Saddam charges that allied bombers, in violation of
international human-rights laws, are dropping U.S. Army food on Baghdad.
    20 -- The Bush administration, in a sweeping reform designed to
restore public confidence in the troubled U.S. banking system, orders
air bags installed on automatic teller machines.
    23 -- The long-awaited land war finally begins as Allied troops storm
into Iraq.
    24 -- Allied troops, after checking their maps, realize that they have
stormed all the way THROUGH Iraq. They hastily turn around and storm
back.
    25 -- Hopes are aroused for an early end to the ground war when 3,500
Iraqi troops surrender to an allied portable field toilet.
    26 -- The war quickly turns into a rout of historic proportions as
allied forces push deep into Iraq, toward Baghdad, drawing ever closer
to the long-sought goal of ridding the world of Saddam Hussein. The
waiting, the anguish, the pain and the suffering all seem to be
justified as the allies realize they are about to accomplish, at last,
the mission of eliminating this tyrant, this murderer, this
international cancer, this ... Wait! Hold it! New orders from
Washington! There has been a slight change: The new mission is to mail
Hussein a certified letter notifying him that he lost the war and giving
him strict instructions that he is to sign the letter and mail it back
within two weeks.
    27 -- James Brown is released from prison after agreeing to let his
parole board sing backup.
    MARCH
    3 -- Shocked at the devastation they find in Kuwait, the allies begin
a massive humanitarian airlift of emergency replacement gold plumbing
fixtures for the royal palace. A grateful world learns that members of
the Kuwaiti royal family have escaped injury despite being just 2,000
miles from the thick of the fighting, trapped in European hotels with
only minimal polo facilities.
    7 -- The House of Representatives, responding to ridicule and
complaints from taxpayers, votes to withdraw a $500,000 grant that was
to have been used to restore the birthplace of Lawrence Welk. ``We need
new priorities,'' admit chastised House leaders. ``We're now thinking
maybe Barry Manilow.''
    11 -- True item: During a presidential visit to a Virginia school, a
skeptical third-grader refuses to believe that George Bush is who he
says he is until the President produces his driver's license.
    12 -- The Kuwaiti royal family elects to continue its courageous exile
in Europe for a while longer after the allies report that fleeing Iraqi
troops, in a heinous act of wanton environmental destruction that will
render Kuwait almost uninhabitable for months, have set fire to all the
Rolls-Royces.
    13 -- During a vice-presidential visit to a Maryland elementary
school, a skeptical fourth-grader refuses to believe that Dan Quayle is
who he says he is until the Vice President produces his anatomically
correct Mexican doll.
    17 -- In a heartwarming display of democratic progress, millions of
Soviet citizens turn out to vote in the nation's first-ever referendum.
Unfortunately, there is only one working polling booth, and the line is
4,000 miles long.
    20 -- True Item: From his cell in Dade County Jail in Miami, Manuel
Noriega announces that he is a ``born-again'' Christian.
    21 -- Another True Item: In the wake of the Alar pesticide scare, the
Colorado State Legislature, pressured by agricultural interests, passes
a bill that would make it possible to sue people for making libelous
statements about vegetables. This is seen as a blow to the U.S. humor
industry, which depends heavily on Dan Quayle jokes.
    22 -- The National Football League, in its continuing effort to make
games more boring, bans post-touchdown celebrating. Also under
consideration is a move to eliminate the players altogether and instead
have the referees compete to see who can throw a penalty flag the
farthest. The Dade County Jail is struck by lightning.
    23 -- True Item: Hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky pays $451,000 for a
Honus Wagner baseball card.
    24 -- In Iraq, the Kurds, responding to President Bush's wartime call
for a popular uprising against Saddam, rise up against Saddam. In the U.
S., the slumping airline industry, in an effort to lure back passengers
who were frightened away by the Gulf crisis, announces that it will stop
serving food.
    25 -- Saddam's forces begin slaughtering the Kurds, who beg the U.S.
to help them. In an Academy Awards shocker, the coveted Oscar for Best
Action Drama goes to ``Los Angeles Police Officers Whomping On An
Unarmed Prone Motorist.''
    26 -- President Bush announces that unfortunately the U.S. cannot
provide any actual MILITARY support for the Kurds, but he pledges that
he will definitely not raise their taxes.
    30 -- Saddam Hussein, responding to an inquiry from the Gulf war
allies, claims that he never got any letter about losing any war. The U.
N., after three days of debate, votes to send him another letter.
    APRIL
    1 -- The U.S. economy is definitely on the mend, announce President
Bush's economic advisers, after a two-hour meeting with the Easter
Bunny.
    3 -- Japanese investors purchase the ozone layer.
    7 -- In the arts, Kitty Kelley and Nancy Reagan captivate the nation
with their smash-hit collaboration, ``Dueling Shrews.''
    8 -- In the first concrete example of the ``peace dividend,'' the
Pentagon announces that hundreds of U.S. missiles, no longer needed to
defend against Soviet attack, will be fired at U.S. savings-and-loan
institutions.
    9 -- In Palm Beach, tireless social activist Sen. Edward M. Kennedy
(D-UMB) leads a fact-finding mission of the Select Subcommittee on
Fermentation and Nocturnal Reconnaissance, setting in motion a chain of
events that will permanently knock the Kurds out of the news.
    11 -- As the federal income-tax deadline draws near, the Internal
Revenue Service offers a convenient new program, called ``Don't Sweat
It!'', under which taxpayers, instead of filling out lengthy and complex
forms, will have the option of simply shooting themselves in the head.
    12 -- True Item: NBC and The New York Times, following the lead of a
supermarket tabloid called The Globe, release the name of the alleged
Kennedy compound rape victim. In sports, Wayne Gretzky pays $784,000 for
a jar containing two ounces of Ty Cobb's spit.
    13 -- The U.S. space probe Wanderer II reaches the outer edge of the
solar system, where, in one of the space program's most dramatic
moments, it is passed by the Iraqi air force.
    14 -- In Hollywood, plans are announced to film ``Los Angeles Police
Officers Whomping On A Prone Motorist II,'' which will star John Candy
and Macaulay Culkin.
    16 -- Hero Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf announces plans to retire and make
millions of dollars, after which he'll be able to afford to have his
head surgically reduced to normal size. In media affairs, The New York
Times and NBC report that Bigfoot has undergone a UFO sex-change
operation and is carrying JFK's baby.
    17 -- True Item: The president of Colombia fires his official pilots
after they get lost while taxiing the president's plane around Miami
International Airport, at one point almost turning the wrong way on an
active runway.
    18 -- The fired Colombian pilots are immediately hired by President
Bush's economic advisers.
    21 -- Ending 159 years of tradition, members of Yale's exclusive and
highly secretive Skull and Bones Club vote to stop wearing women's
underwear.
    27 -- In a move with complex legal ramifications, the California
Legislature votes to ban smoking in the past.
    MAY
    4 -- White House aides become alarmed when President Bush, on his
routine jog, suddenly begins speaking in complete sentences. He is
rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where doctors begin a series of tests
to determine how come, if it's a NAVAL hospital, it's nowhere near the
water. Vice President Quayle is dispatched on an urgent fact-finding
mission regarding shellfish in the Faeroe Islands.
    6 -- True Item: Medical tests reveal that President Bush is suffering
from Graves' disease, which -- in what doctors describe as a one in a
million coincidence -- is the same disease afflicting Mrs. Bush AND
Millie, the first dog.
    7 -- Further tests reveal that, in what doctors say is a one in 147
billion coincidence, the entire White House staff also has Graves'
disease.
    8 -- Further tests reveal that, in what doctors say is a one in 378
squintillion coincidence, every tourist who has visited the White House
for the past three years also has Graves' disease.
    9 -- President Bush announces that, on the advice of his physician, he
will stop inviting Graves to the White House.
    10 -- White House Chief of Staff John Sununu, arguing that he is
extremely essential to the government and must always be near special
communications equipment, defends his decision to travel from Washington
to a Boston dental appointment via nuclear submarine.
    13 -- New York City's financial outlook appears bleak as a new study
shows that the city's largest remaining industry is people asking each
other for spare change.
    15 -- A baffling Bermuda Triangle mystery is finally solved when a
salvage team reports that Flight 19, the famous ``Lost Squadron'' of
five U.S. Navy planes that disappeared off the coast of Florida on a
routine training mission in 1945, has spent the past 46 years waiting
for clearance to land in Atlanta.
    16 -- Wayne Gretzky pays $1.2 million for Babe Ruth's corpse.
    20 -- True Item: The Space Shuttle Columbia is prepared to be launched
on a biological research mission with a cargo that includes 30 rats and
2,478 jellyfish.
    21 -- The popular TV show ``Wheel of Fortune'' scores a ratings coup
when ailing letter-turner Vanna White is replaced by Norman Schwarzkopf.
    23 -- As technical problems delay the Space Shuttle Columbia launch,
the rat count climbs to 57, with the jellyfish total estimated at more
than 7,000.
    24 -- U.S. taxpayers start to see some concrete benefits from the Gulf
war victory as Washington and New York get into a major rivalry over
who's going to have the biggest parade. In a related development, Saddam
Hussein, responding to continued U.N. inquiries, acknowledges that he
did receive some kind of letter about losing a war, but he misplaced it.
World tension mounts as the Security Council votes to send him a fax.
    25 -- As technical problems continue to delay the Space Shuttle
launch, NASA technicians become alarmed about the rat and jellyfish
populations, which are now increasing so rapidly that the Columbia is
visibly bulging.
    30 -- True Item: Officials in Berkeley, Calif., search for a
radioactive cat after a box of kitty litter sets off a radiation alarm
at a landfill.
    JUNE
    1 -- The space program suffers another setback when the shuttle
Columbia, unable to contain the rapid internal critter buildup, explodes
on the launch pad, causing rats and jellyfish to rain from the sky as
far away as Illinois. President Bush's economic advisers predict that
this will be good for the economy.
    2 -- As the big New York-Washington victory parade rivalry escalates,
the Pentagon is forced to reinstate the draft in order to provide enough
marchers.
    4 -- In yet another troubling commentary on the U.S. educational
system, the secretary of education reports that 4.3 million 10th-grade
students were recently given a standardized math test, and their dog ate
it.
    6 -- Ending months of speculation about whether David Letterman or Jay
Leno would replace Johnny Carson as host of ``The Tonight Show,'' NBC
announces that it has decided on Norman Schwarzkopf.
    10 -- New York's big victory parade goes off without a hitch except
for an unfortunate incident wherein several floats are ``accidentally''
strafed by Washington-based fighter jets.
    13 -- President Bush, in Portugal to discuss how the U.S. can help
fight a fungus that threatens the olive crop, angrily denies the charge
that he is neglecting domestic issues. ``I am very concerned about the
United, um, whaddycallem, States,'' he says. ``Barbara and I have a
summer home there.''
    15 -- Washington's Gulf war victory parade is a glorious success until
marchers are forced to flee in terror from a high-speed New York City
subway train that ``somehow'' got more than 150 miles off course.
    17 -- The Army Corps of Engineers begins work on the $57 billion
Trans-New Hampshire Canal, which will enable indispensable White House
Chief of Staff John Sununu to get to the ski slopes via aircraft
carrier.
    18 -- True Item: Researchers dig up the remains of deceased President
Zachary Taylor to investigate a theory that he was poisoned by anti-
slavery forces 141 years ago.
    19 -- In another great victory for the War on Drugs, Medellin drug
cartel kingpin Pablo Escobar turns himself in to the Colombian legal
system, which technically could sentence him to as much as two weeks in
the hotel of his choice.
    20 -- In a discovery with chilling implications, researchers find that
Zachary Taylor was in fact killed by a bullet fired from a rifle that
was later owned by Lee Harvey Oswald.
    22 -- Thurgood Marshall announces his retirement from the Supreme
Court after realizing that for six months he has been hearing cases in
his bathrobe.
    25 -- Despite fierce opposition from the National Rifle Association,
the House of Representatives passes a bill that would outlaw disgruntled
former postal employees.
    29 -- True Item: The only version of Colombia's proposed new
constitution, which is being written on a computer, is completely wiped
out when a technician accidentally erases it.
    30 -- Congress hires the Colombian computer technician to keep track
of the federal deficit.
    JULY
    1 -- President Bush, who is totally against racial quotas, discovers
to his amazement that of all the possible candidates to replace Thurgood
Marshall, who is black, the most qualified person is Clarence Thomas,
who, in what White House doctors say is a one in 984 hillion jillion
vermilion coincidence, ALSO happens to be black (although, miraculously,
he does NOT have Graves' disease). In his first news conference as
nominee, Thomas reveals that he was born in Humble Origins, Ga., and
grew up so poor that he could never afford to have an opinion. In the
arts, Little Joe rides off to the Permanent Ponderosa.
    3 -- True Item: Searchers in New Mexico use airplanes and helicopters
to hunt for a radioactive goat. The ``Atomic Goat,'' as it is known, was
one of 62 goats fitted with collars filled with radioactive isotopes as
part of a $116,000 federal experiment to track coyotes by following the
radiation they emitted after eating the goats. Wildlife experts are
concerned that the Atomic Goat might contaminate the environment.
    4 -- President Bush, clearly troubled by the sagging U.S. economy,
arrives in Albania to mediate a strike of asphalt shovelers.
    5 -- True Item: The director of the Crypto-Phenomena Museum in Malibu,
Calif., announces that, in examining NASA satellite photographs, he has
discovered a rock formation on Mars that looks like Sen. Kennedy.
    6 -- NASA announces that further analysis of satellite photographs
reveals that a rock formation shaped like Sen. Kennedy's pants has been
found on Uranus.
    10 -- The president of Procter & Gamble, responding to years of
allegations that its corporate logo contained satanic symbolism, calls a
press conference to announce that he can rotate his head 360 degrees.
    11 -- Millions flock to Hawaii to see the century's most spectacular
eclipse, only to discover that it has been purchased by Japanese
investors.
    14 -- A scandal begins to burgeon in Washington when a sharp-eyed
federal investigator happens to walk into the Bank of Credit and
Commerce International to buy a money order and notices a sign that says
``Ask About Our Covert Sale of American Arms to Iran!''
    15 -- The space program receives a much-needed boost when the shuttle
Atlantis blasts off, carrying indispensable White House Chief of Staff
John Sununu to a crucial golf appointment.
    16 -- Huge crowds go to see Arnold Schwarzenegger in the summer's
smash movie hit, ``Terminator Dances With Wolves,'' the heartwarming
story of a man who learns to appreciate Native American culture, then
vaporizes it.
    17 -- True Item: The U.S. Senate, emitting a ray of sunshine that
briefly pierces the growing public gloom over the economy, votes itself
a $23,000 pay raise.
    18 -- President Bush signs a historic treaty with Soviet Premier
Mikhail Gorbachev under which both superpowers will, for the first time,
eliminate some nuclear weapons.
    19 -- The historic arms-reduction treaty hits a snag when it is
learned that all the Soviet nuclear weapons have been traded to Mexico
for fresh vegetables.
    20 -- The world breathes a sigh of relief when the U.S. agrees to lend
the Soviets $27 billion to build new nuclear weapons, which will then be
destroyed in accordance with the historic treaty.
    21 -- Emerging superpower Mexico announces that it wishes to have
Texas and California back.
    18 -- True Item: A Canadian psychiatrist releases a report, based on
autopsies, stating that as men get older, their brains shrink a lot,
while women's brains don't. This is believed to be the first scientific
explanation of golf.
    29 -- In Sarasota, Fla., Pee-wee Herman reaches puberty and is
arrested.
    AUGUST
    1 -- The Christmas Shopping Season officially begins amid gloomy news
about the economy, with the only strong sector consisting of white-
collar workers exchanging Pee-wee Herman jokes via long-distance fax.
    3 -- True Item: Officials at the Oak Ridge, Tenn., National Laboratory
issue a warning that radioactive leopard frogs are on the loose. The
frogs, about two inches long, grew up in a holding basin for waste water
from nuclear research. According to news reports they are ``safe unless
eaten.''
    8 -- Police officers in a Sarasota, Fla., movie theater arrest Mister
Rogers and charge him with two counts of manipulation of hand puppets.
    10 -- World tension mounts when Iraqi soldiers refuse to allow a group
of U.N. inspectors to examine Saddam Hussein's fax machine, which he
claims is broken.
    12 -- Norman Schwarzkopf launches his new syndicated TV show, ``The
People's Army,'' in which everyday people, under the general's guidance,
resolve real-life disputes via mortar fire.
    15 -- The Supreme Court rules that John Sununu is so essential to the
government that he should be surgically attached to the president.
``He'll be like a giant wart,'' states Chief Justice William Rehnquist,
``but less attractive.''
    19 -- U.S. intelligence experts, using analysis techniques originally
developed by President Bush's economic advisers, determine that there
will definitely not be a Soviet coup attempt.
    20 -- The Soviet Union erupts in turmoil when a group of hard-line
Communist Party leaders announces that Mikhail Gorbachev has developed a
sudden case of Graves' disease and will be unable to run the country for
a while.
    21 -- In a televised press conference, the new Soviet leaders pledge
that they will continue Gorbachev's democratic reforms and kill anybody
who tries to stop them.
    22 -- The Soviet coup collapses when thousands of Moscow citizens, in
a dramatic confrontation with Red Army tank units, realize that the tank
engines have all been traded to Italy for cheese.
    23 -- In a sweeping post-coup reform move, Gorbachev abolishes the
Communist Party and fires thousands of entrenched, hard-line Kremlin
bureaucrats, all of whom are immediately hired by the Internal Revenue
Service.
    25 -- In another dramatic post-coup development, the long-enslaved
Soviet republics of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania declare that,
effective immediately, they will legally be a suburb of Chicago.
    28 -- Approximately 23 random Democrats announce that they are Fed Up
With Politics As Usual and would like to be president. In sports, some
teen-ager wins some tennis match.
    SEPTEMBER
    1 -- The trial of Manuel Noriega begins in Miami with defense lawyers,
in a surprise move, offering an alibi defense: They claim to have
witnesses who will prove that, during the time when Noriega was
allegedly the dictator of Panama, he was actually attending a movie in
Providence, R.I. As the courtroom buzzes with excitement, the judge
grants a prosecution motion for a recess until each side has had an
opportunity to run up an additional $350,000 in legal expenses.
    2 -- Police officers in Sarasota, Fla., arrest Big Bird for alleged
lewd behavior at a movie theater showing ``Hot Moist Teen-age Emus.''
Mario Cuomo hints that he will run for president.
    7 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee begins its hearings into the
Supreme Court nomination of Clarence Thomas, who, in his opening
statement, notes that, in addition to coming from Humble Origins, he has
been paying his dues as a federal judge for nearly 18 entire months and
is ready for the Big Enchilada.
    8 -- Tensions mount in the Middle East as Israel builds two new
settlements in downtown Damascus, Syria.
    9 -- Mario Cuomo hints that he will NOT run for president.
    10 -- After three grueling days of Judiciary Committee hearings,
Chairman Joseph Biden completes his first question. Sen. Strom Thurmond
asks him to repeat it.
    11 -- NASA announces that it will go ahead with plans to build the
proposed U.S. space station, but, to reduce maintenance costs, will not
actually launch it.
    12 -- Under intensive questioning by Judiciary Committee Democrats,
Clarence Thomas claims that at one time he did have an opinion, but his
dog ate it.
    17 -- A California library releases photographs of the Dead Sea
Scrolls, which for years have been kept under wraps by a small group of
scholars, possibly because the opening lines are:
    ``There once was a gent from Gomorrah,
    Who looked down and saw, to his horror ...''
    20 -- As the U.S. economy continues to worsen, a grim-faced President
Bush flies to Germany to help mediate a marital dispute between a Mr.
and Mrs. Horst Winkleman.
    25 -- The Grinch steals Dr. Seuss.
    27 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee concludes Round One of the
Clarence Thomas hearings and votes unanimously to reconvene in October
``for the purpose of behaving like the most flagrant collection of dorks
on the planet.''
    28 -- In another foreign-policy triumph, President Bush announces that
the Horst Winklemans have resolved their dispute via a historic
agreement under which they will remain friends in return for $3.5
billion from grateful U.S. taxpayers.
    29 -- The Manuel Noriega defense team, changing tactics, claims that
the prosecution has mistaken the defendant for ANOTHER man named
``Manuel Noriega,'' who, in a freak coincidence, also happened to be the
dictator of a nation named ``Panama'' at the time the alleged crimes
occurred. ``Also,'' the defense notes, ``both men had Graves' disease.''
    30 -- Haiti observes National No-Coup Day.
    OCTOBER
    1 -- True Item: An audit shows that in one 12-month period, members of
the House of Representatives wrote 8,331 bad checks against the House's
private bank.
    2 -- Geraldo Rivera, in his new book, ``Geraldo Rivera: The Story Of
Geraldo Rivera As Told To Geraldo Rivera By Geraldo Rivera,'' reveals
that he is an extremely attractive virile hunk of man who has had sex
with virtually every famous star in the entertainment industry,
including Benji.
    3 -- True Item: An audit shows that members of the House of
Representatives owe more than $300,000 in overdue meal tabs to the
House's private dining room.
    4 -- The War on Crime scores a major victory when Congress passes a
bill mandating the death penalty for anybody who attempts to audit the
House of Representatives.
    5 -- Benji, through a spokesperson, states that he never let Geraldo
kiss him on the lips.
    6 -- Elizabeth Taylor, saving time, marries three new randomly
selected males simultaneously. The National Enquirer rents a B-2
``Stealth'' bomber to take aerial photographs of the heavily guarded
ceremony, but, in a bad omen for the Defense Department, the $350
million plane is easily brought down by a German shepherd named Daisy.
    9 -- Round two of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings begins
dramatically with law professor Anita Hill presenting testimony that
causes guys in offices all over America to suddenly shut up in midjoke.
In art news, a person named ``Christo'' erects giant umbrellas in
California and Japan.
    10 -- In the ongoing nomination hearings, Clarence Thomas accuses the
Senate Judiciary Committee of being white men, a charge that appears
accurate in every case except that of Sen. Kennedy, who looks more like
a giant suit-wearing tomato. Several hundred witnesses testify that
Anita Hill probably had romantic fantasies about them, thus raising the
question of how she found time to get a law degree. In California and
Japan, hundreds of art-lovers are injured when Christo's umbrellas are
struck by giant 3,000-pound raindrops.
    11 -- The Voraciously Rev. Jimmy Swaggart is once again arrested while
allegedly engaging in Gospel outreach activities. In the ongoing Thomas
nomination hearings, Mike Tyson testifies that on a number of occasions
Anita Hill had fantasies about him.
    12 -- The Senate Judiciary Committee goes into its fourth day of
hearings, highlighted by Geraldo Rivera's testimony that both Anita Hill
and Mike Tyson had fantasies about him. Mario Cuomo hints that maybe he
already IS president.
    13 -- A clearly exhausted Sen. Orrin Hatch reveals that he has had
fantasies regarding Long Dong Silver.
    14 -- Concluding its grueling task, the Senate Judiciary Committee
votes unanimously to sign a contract with the Fox Television Network for
a weekly TV series, ``The Ongoing Thomas Nomination Hearings,'' which
will be a comedy starring the senators as themselves, and Flip Wilson as
both Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill.
    18 -- The World Series gets under way, with the Atlanta Braves taking
on the Minnesota Twins, and President Bush's economic advisers
predicting a four-game sweep by the Toronto Blue Jays.
    19 -- David Duke, having undergone successful cosmetic surgery to have
four of his original six legs removed, wins a slot in the Louisiana
gubernatorial runoff race with a campaign based on coded racial appeals,
similar to the Willie Horton ad, but more subtle.
    22 -- True Item: A drowsy Key West, Fla., woman, reaching under her
pillow to grab her asthma spray, instead pulls the trigger of the .38-
caliber revolver, which she keeps there for protection, and shoots
herself in the jaw.
    24 -- ``Star Trek'' creator Gene Roddenberry is beamed up. In the War
on Crime, the Florida State Legislature passes a law requiring a three-
day waiting period for the purchase of asthma spray.
    25 -- A grim-faced President Bush, clearly angered by Saddam Hussein's
continued denial that he has received any notification that he lost the
Gulf war, threatens to turn the matter over to a collection agency.
    NOVEMBER
    1 -- Hopes soar for peace in the Middle East when Arab and Israeli
delegates arrive in Madrid, Spain, where for the first time ever, they
sit down face to face at a conference table. Hopes dim somewhat when,
four minutes into the historic session, the two sides exchange gunfire
in a dispute involving the prune Danish.
    2 -- The historic Middle East peace talks conclude on a hopeful note,
with survivors on both sides agreeing to meet again in a location that
has more plasma.
    5 -- Concern grips the White House when Pennsylvania voters, in a
Senate race that is seen by many as a referendum on the Bush presidency,
vote overwhelmingly to secede from the union.
    6 -- The body of much-larger-than-life media baron Robert Maxwell is
found at sea, resulting in a tasteless joke that will not be repeated
here, suggesting that his last word was ``Roseglub.''
    7 -- Magic Johnson fast-breaks a lot of hearts.
    10 -- Mario Cuomo hints that, in a past life, he was the queen of
Scotland.
    12 -- President Bush, stopping briefly in the U.S. before leaving for
Romania to mediate an important dispute involving roosters, comes up
with a neat idea for getting the economy going again, namely, have the
credit-card companies lower their interest rates from 19 percent to
around 14 percent, which would enable average Americans to buy a lot of
nifty stuff such as boats and houses in Kennebunkport.
    13 -- The U.S. Senate, which normally can't complete the Pledge of
Allegiance in under three days, actually takes the President seriously
and immediately passes a bill that would force banks to lower credit-
card rates, thereby threatening to wipe out the last profit-making
industry in America. This stimulates the economy by causing the stock
market to drop 18 million points.
    14 -- President Bush has ANOTHER keen idea, which is that the credit-
card companies should NOT be forced to lower their rates.
    16 -- Faced with a choice between David Duke and Edwin Edwards,
Louisiana voters, in a heartwarming demonstration of common sense and
good old-fashioned American decency, move to Ohio.
    21 -- Michael Jackson returns briefly from the ninth dimension to
release a new video in which he introduces an exciting new dance step,
``The Pee-wee Herman.''
    24 -- In what is seen by political observers as yet another indication
of White House indecision, President Bush signs the new civil-rights
bill into law, then vetoes it, then calls a press conference to angrily
deny that he has called a press conference.
    30 -- Police in a Sarasota, Fla., movie theater arrest Tinkerbell on
charges of performing lewd acts with a wand. In politics, the name
``Mario'' becomes a source of vast amusement for the White House brain
trust, especially spokesperson Marlin Fitzwater, who is apparently
unaware that his own name is ``Marlin Fitzwater.''
    DECEMBER
    1 -- Sales of Old Milwaukee beer plummet when the public learns that
the Swedish Bikini Team, prior to group surgery, was the Norwegian ice-
hockey team.
    2 -- In a development with serious implications for the U.S.
educational system, red-faced officials of the National Association of
Mathematics Teachers announce that they have done some checking, and it
turns out that eight times seven is actually 53.
    3 -- In the most important American military triumph since the Gulf
war, a U.S. Army division, backed by an Air Force fighter squadron and
elements of the Navy's Seventh Fleet, is able, after hours of often-
heavy fighting, to remove John Sununu from the White House.
    4 -- French astronomers report that a vast, hitherto-unknown galaxy at
the very edge of the universe has been purchased by Japanese investors.
    5 -- Thousands of art lovers flee from California and Japan when
Christo erects a giant spittoon.
    6 -- In a move that has troubling implications for the Mideast peace
process, Saddam Hussein hires John Sununu.
    10 -- In an unprecedented procedure, a team of surgeons in Minneapolis
removes a fertilized egg from a woman's womb, places it in a special
container, flies it to Disney World, takes it on the Space Mountain
ride, and successfully returns it to the woman's womb. ``We don't yet
know the PURPOSE of this procedure,'' states the lead surgeon, ``but
we're confident that it will cost a LOT of money.''
    17 -- Winston B. Doorminder, a U.S. Treasury Department employee, is
idly punching some figures into his calculator and discovers that U.S.
taxpayers have put enough billions into the savings-and-loan ``bailout''
program to give $1.2 million to every S&L depositor who ever lived. He
is immediately arrested.
    18 -- A new scientific study shows that you, personally, whoever you
are, could stand to lose a few pounds.
    22 -- A milestone in aviation history is reached when TWA passenger
Elrood M. Harboffer, after spending five hours in a bar at the St. Louis
airport waiting for a delayed flight, staggers into a gift shop and
becomes the first person in history to actually buy one of those novelty
dancing Coke cans. President Bush's economic advisers announce that this
could be exactly what the economy needs.
    23 -- In a move that could jeopardize the Mideast peace process,
Israel establishes a permanent settlement on the moon.
    24 -- An angry Elrood M. Harboffer returns his novelty Coke can after
claiming to have found a dancing pubic hair on it.
    26 -- Mario Cuomo hints that he is a mutant named ``Zomax'' who has
the power to communicate with trees.
    28 -- President Bush, in another foreign-policy triumph, is elected to
the British parliament.
    31 -- As the year ends, a collection agency hired by the Gulf war
allies finally hand-delivers a defeat notification to Saddam Hussein.
Unfortunately, because of a mix-up, the envelope actually contains a
letter from the Publisher's Clearing House informing Hussein that he has
probably already won a million dollars. But other than that, and the
economy's being in the toilet, and the fact that the country would be
better off if all three branches of the federal government were replaced
by a tub of live bait, it hasn't been such a bad year, has it? Plus, how
can it possibly get worse? Never mind. Happy New Year.

    (C) 1991 THE MIAMI HERALD
    DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

        <<< End of extracted notes >>>

Extraction performed by HESPER::LYMAN at 23:07 on 1-Jan-92 (Wed)
 using HESPER::STG:[SAVE.LYMAN]MAIL_VAXNOTES.COM;3 -- v28
   with switches "/again_at=<tomorrow+23:00>/class=keep_me_updated /Not_Now=<No>"